i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
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I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
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Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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