how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
