2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
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