Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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