I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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