Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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