East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
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