Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
