i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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