Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
