I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
