Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
