He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
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