They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
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