3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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