Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
