Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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