There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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