watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
