Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
