Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Randomize
