The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
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