Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
