I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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