so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Randomize
