why didn't you poke me back
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
