glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
