the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
