tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
