Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
