He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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