So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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