and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
