Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
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