Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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