i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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