My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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