Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
