You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
