my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
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