we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
