i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
