So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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