dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
