I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
