R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Let's paint friendship bongs
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
