he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
