I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
