Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
