Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
