In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
