mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
