please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
