i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
