Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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