Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
