Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Randomize
